An Idiot’s HORRORible Movie Review: Friday the 13th
It’s another Friday the 13th week folks! It’s time to celebrate a series of films that defined horror for a generation of weirdos such as myself. These films had it all, bad acting, bloody and ridiculous murders, boobs and most importantly other boobs. We will be celebrating all of these movies this week as a show of respect to their contribution to the horror genre. These movies were tailor made for the 1980’s slasher films and were all made with the purely artistic intention of making all the money while spending none to make them.
Hollywood is built on the backs of lazy people making cheap as Hell movies in the hopes that they will make some money. This is called the “money grab”. Speaking of obvious money grabs, we have the original Friday the 13th. As told by director Sean Cunningham many times, this movie was just a way to rip off Halloween and make a little money. Turns out they made more than a little money, helped by the fact that it was the first widely released slasher film by a major studio (Paramount) and cost less than a dinner for 4 at Five Guys to make it became one of the highest grossing films of it’s type ever. It also became so popular that it spawned 9 sequels, a crossover movie with Freddy Krueger and a remake (and a TV show that had nothing to do with the rest of the series). To be perfectly honest with you I have a huge soft spot for these movies, when I was a kid we would gather at a house with the family and stay up and watch as many of these as possible before going to sleep. It is one of my favorite memories.
Release Date: May 9, 1980
Box Office: 59.8 Million
Back story and Plot: Back in the 1950’s a little boy with severe learning and physical disabilities drowned while the counselors that were being paid to watch the children were having what would later be called by me in this review “all the sex”. The child’s mother, a cook at the camp got PISSED and instead of suing the owners of said camp for all they were worth went bat shit crazy and disappeared.
After this bad things befell the camp and people believed it to be cursed (one of these bad things was a double murder…not so much a spooky curse as much as a clear maniac but whatever) and the camp remained closed for years.
Then Steve Christy the dip-shit son of the former owners decides, “Hey fuck it, let’s make some money off this crappy ass old camp, I bet nothing bad happens!”. Steve was a dumb ass. In trying to reopen CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE (see I was gonna work that in slowly like a damn pro) he pissed off whatever or whoever was causing all of the bad luck that befell that piece of property in the previous years.
Because Steve had to make that money (probably to better his wardrobe of cut off jean shorts and a bandanna around his neck) he got himself all his employees killed (except for Alice, who we will discuss in a minute) and seriously lowered the property value for everyone in the Crystal Lake area. You were a dick Steve, good riddance. All of this violence could have been avoided had those kids been paying attention so (spoiler alert for a 40 year old movie you are reading about on some idiot’s blog) MRS. VOORHEES wouldn’t have to avenge the death of her sweet boy…Jason.
Survivor Girl: Alice Hardy
Alice was a fine person to be the first survivor in a Friday film. She seemed nice, was an OK actress and had amazing feathered hair. The fact that she managed to outlive the entirety of the rest of the main cast (including Bing Crosby’s son, seriously) was a testament to how feathered her hair really was.
How’d she survive?
Well she chopped Mrs Voorhees head of with a machete so she was very effective with her defense technique. One swing too, good for her.
BEST CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE?
This award goes to my man Crazy Ralph. Ralph was all over the place trying to tell these kids that maybe taking a minimum wage summer job at a place that clearly had a major murdering problem wasn’t the best idea. The sad thing is just because the guy happens to be named Crazy Ralph (the tragic part in all this that they never covered in the script, Ralph was his LAST name and Crazy was his first, his parents were just bad at naming kids) and he popped out of closets and said spooky things no one listened to him. It’s got a death curse indeed Ralph, you glorious son of a bitch.
An Idiot’s Opinion: It’s the first Friday the 13th so it gets a pass from me just on historical value alone. Everyone should see it once in their lives. Was it the best Friday? God no, but it was fun, made a shit ton of money and gave us a series that became popular enough to last 12 films and counting. Beat that Halloween.
Thanks to everyone for reading and please come back soon! I appreciate any and all feedback. Just nice to know people are reading.
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